autism.wav
whoa two blog posts in the same week? you can tell im lonely.
ive been making music again for the first time in yearrrssssss. everyone should play offbeat, its a really fun game and i think the only daw that matters at all. fuck a fl studio i got this monkey toy.
it genuinely is a lot of fun to fuck around and make shit without really caring about the outcome, i feel like ive been so burnt out with drawing because im caring too much about how it comes out rather than just liking the process, and the outcome is either it looks "good" and not like me at all, or its trash and i hate it. i did like 2 things for artfight this year and got mad and havent really touched my tablet since. ive also been thinking about how bad i reallyyyy miss my bass (and my other guitars and shit, but mostly my bass). i really miss playing that shit for hours whenever i was stressed out, and getting my hands and my brain to focus on anything that wasnt spiraling for a little bit. so fucking around in offbeat, and also osu lmfao, has kinda stood in for that. i might make a shrine page for my instruments at some point, i love them a lot and also everyone ever should have to see my stupid two string bass-guitar hybrid contraption at some point. anyways, check out this absolute garbage. i really wish there were a way to go back and edit songs once youve made them in offbeat, some of them could have potential if i fixed some things but i guess just accepting whatever the fuck i decided was fine enough is part of the fun. enjoy my shitty .wavs.
unrelated to that, or maybe very related since i spent like 14 straight hours yesterday making stupid shit and talking to almost nobody, its been really bothering me how absolutely unable i am to talk to pretty much anyone ever. i think people tend to think im a bitch or im uninterested or what the fuck ever while im mentally bashing my head against a wall trying to come up with anything interesting or cool or even just Normal to say. i have to acclimate myself to other people like a skittish cat to get absolutely anywhere, like yes, please let me just hang out in your general vicinity with you for a while before im able to say Anything at all. and most people rightfully think thats fucking weird and dont wanna put up with that. either that, or i have to be drunk, or it has to be online, which... none of these are great ways to live or conducive to having much of a tangible social life. i try not to beat myself up for it too much, i know its a product of chronically ignored cptsd and autism but like... making friends as an adult is already kind of bullshit, and this shit does not help at all. i also just feel bad for the people that Are already in my life, im constantly not picking up on shit, or fucking shit up, or just being weird and offputting on accident. but at the end of the day i just really wish i could function and exist around other people like a normal person. i wish i could hold a conversation. i always got shit to say but after years of getting hit for it, or just getting interrupted, talked over, ignored, whatever, it feels like pulling teeth to try to put my thoughts into words, and im always terrified im doing it wrong.
at the same time, ive gotten so bad at existing by myself. i dont even know when it happened, i used to be so independent. i think im coping (relatively) well with all the bullshit lifes been throwing at me lately, but god. going home at the end of the day to sit in my room alone feels so strange. even when im in a decent mood and shits not too bad, the silence and aloneness just feel isolating. ive been trying to rotate friends to hang out with but my sleep schedules so fucked, and im worried theyre all getting sick of me, and i dont think i even necessarily want to have to be around someone at all times. its just such an experience to have to reacclimate myself to enjoying my own company. this bitch kind of sucks though, i do wish i could hang out with anyone else most of the time.
fucking whatever. its $1 quesarito day apparently so fuck it im gonna go spend money i dont really have on shitty burritos at 3 am. lifes worth living i guess.