fuck my stupid baka life dot html

fuuuuuuck. i dont even know whats going on in my life anymore. partner of almost 3 years left me in the most bullshit way, for the most bullshit reason possible. was probably into someone else for a while. i might be evennnn more chronically ill that i thought, in a real bad way. insomnia kicking my fucking ass. cant fucking eat. multiple friends in the hospital. hours prolly about to get cut at work. broke as shit and only getting more and more in debt. been dissassociating almost constantly for like... a month? two? idfk anymore. whatever. fuck it we ball. my bestie coming to visit me soon and we're gonna see mcr ! started playing virtues last reward with some friends after finishing 999 a while ago ! been hanging out with someone i lowkey wanted to hang out with for a while ! started devoting my life to getting absolutely fucking cracked at osu ! things could be worse and theres still people that care about me so what the fuck ever. we stay up.

i think they should give me a mech. i dont know who they is but they should. killing some shit in a big way would probably fix me. either in an evangelion way or in a heaven will be mine way. fuck it. i think i might be a lesbian and i dont know what to do with that information. part of it feels right but i think theres a lot to unpack there. suprisingly not even in a sexuality way, more gender fuckery. im not sure i like men as a category, i feel like im not really opposed to dating anyone on the sole basis of their gender, i think genders kind of bullshit if i think about it for too long anyways. to each their own but i dont really get the point of a dichotomy of how youre supposed to act based on.. aesthetic? "biological sex"? i mean its real for some people and obv i respect that but also like i kind of just dont get it. thats (mostly) besides the point though. ive questioned if im a lesbian basically every time im single for the last like 6 years, and always inevitably meet a "guy" i like and come to the conclusion that i dont really care about gender in regards to how i feel about someone; if i like them, i like them. and Every. Single. Time. they come out as trans. like literally out of my 6 serious relationships with men, only one is for sure still a man, and one i have no idea wtf theyre up to but i would assume they still are. what the fuck does that mean, yknow? so maybe i should just full send and just stop dating men and skip the part where i evidentally make all these women come to terms with who they are via my own stupid ideas on gender. my halimede era or something.

i dont really know how to talk to women though. which is funny because i debatably am one depending on how you look at it and also i dont fundamentally think its any different. men are easy to pull all you really have to do is pay a little bit attention to them and be a little bit manic pixie dream girleqsue (read: autistic) and they fall over. i have no idea how to flirt with women besides omggg ur so prettyyyyy ;3. what the fuck do you do after that part. i matched with damn near every tinder girl in a 50 mile radius and havent spoken to a single one. its scary out here. there's a girl im kinda into lately but i got a million reasons to simply keep my mouth shut about that one, im definitely not trying to rebound and probably need to just for real exist on my own for a bit but damn. its SO fucking scary out here.

anyways circling back to the lesbian thing, it would genuinely kind of make sense with my weird gender bs if i think about it. i feel extremely alienated from either gender, and im pretty sure thats a pretty common experience. ive been using bigender as a close enough label but im still not even sure if thats what it is or just agender? general nonbinaryness? i feel like my personality too masculine to fit in well with women, and present too femininely to be accepted by men. i dont really necessarily want to be or be seen as a man, but i definitely dont feel like a woman. i dont even really know what pronouns i like anymore. they/them feels so.... nothing. but i suppose thats the point. anything else is situational, really. i dont really trust anyone with just saying any/all, i feel like it always inevitably just gets defaulted to she/her, or sometimes they/them if they're woke. mirror pronouns have felt the closest, so probably that i guess. also, its just really funny to respond to "what are your pronouns" with "Yours." or sometimes i just go "yup! i have them". i dont really know how all that correlates to possibly lesbianism though. i definitely dont want any hypothetical girlfriend to see me as a straight man. gross! but also i dont really want to just be seen as a woman, at least entirely. id definitely prefer a yuriful type of bullshit going on. and yeah yeah i know nb lesbians and masc lesbians and he/him lesbians exist it just feels wrong when i do it. lol. i probably just need to be exclusively t4t in addition to only dating women. again, my halimede era or something.