dear diary~
1/11/26
happy 2026! the whole almost 2 weeks of this year have been pretty decent so far! this is my year i can feel it... (*knocks on wood knocks on wood knocks on wood knocks on wood knocks on wood*)
im finally managing my hair back into something that makes me feel more like myself, after impulsively chopping it real short and dying it black for like the 5th time. one of my new years resolutions is to NOT do that again. the black isnt too hard to get out, since i use cheap box dye and color oops works surprisingly well to get it out. i hit it with that about two months ago and just left it, so it was a dark reddish brown color for a while. i finally got around to bleaching the FUCK out of it and doing my best to color correct so its Almost perfectly blonde again (theres some reddish tint if you compare most of it to my roots where it lifted the best, but its not that bad). when i had it short i also gave myself and undercut and shaved the back and sides so ive been trying to get that to grow out enough to where i can cut it evenly all the way around, and i trimmed it and its just about there but i dont want to go too short. the weird layer of very slightly shorter hair looks a bit more intentional now though bc i also did a bright hot pink underneath halo and i love how it looks!! you can mostly see the pink popping out from the sides and under my bangs and not too much in the back since that parts shorter and i like how it looks a lot!
my other plan to make myself feel more like myself was to finally stop being a pansy and give myself piercings! i got some needles from amazon (dont do that) and managed to give myself double lobe piercings (on the gay side!) yesterday and they turned out so well im obsessed. i probably shouldnt have done both at once since the first one didnt bleed at all until i put the clamp back on and the both of them started bleeding a lot.... but so far theyre both fine and dont hurt at all and seem to be healing well! i planned to also redo my septum since the piercer that did it fucked it up the first time and then i had it taken out in jail (long story, i didnt do shit tho) and ive been missing it so much. i ended up not actually being able to do it, i dont think i have much of the "sweet spot" youre supposed to do it in, if at all, and thats also probably why it was in cartilidge the first time i got it done. i can feel where would be a good spot with my fingers, but i have to sort of pull down the bottom of my septum and seperate it from the harder cartilidge above it, but i cant really do that with the clamps and i cant hold it and get the needle in there, and i also dont have the willpower to pierce myself through cartilidge unfortunately. i'll probably try again at some point, maybe with different thinner clamps that might be easier to position or it might just be something i have to get someone else to do but i miss my septum badly. my other plans are snakebites and my bridge, but i need longer and better jewelry for both.
for the rest of the year im planning to do more stuff ive been thinking about for years and havent gotten around to ! im planning to invest my tax return in starting my own little press on nail business, or at least see if im any good at it and make my own nail sets! i know everything takes practice but my hubris tells me id be really good at it :) if it goes well, me and my roommate are talking about getting a booth at the local farmers market to sell some handmade home goods stuff, and i was thinking about doing those if they turn out well, and i also want to start making linocuts of some of my american tradition tattoo designs, and maybe make some local specific ones! and then do them as prints or tote bags or shirts or something. i think both are gonna be really fun even if they dont turn out well enough right away to make money on lol. in the spirit of making new stuff, my other resolution is to make at least a shitty demo of the video game i want to make!! ive already been playing around in rpgmaker last year a bit, and figuring out how to make assets to make things look like how i want, which usually isnt the first thing you'd start with for a game i know, but i think it was a good starting place for me to at least get familar with the software. i definitely want to stop putting off getting any further though, and have made Anything playable, even if its just a short little exposition area. im not expecting to have made a whole lot while balancing my "full time" job and doing the other stuff i want, especially considering im abusing rpgmaker into making it make a completely different style of game than its intended for. im not a fan of the top down rpg look, so ive been playing with parallax backgrounds and making everything completely side on and 2d sorta. its definitely doable but its also def another layer to figure out while already going in with no experience lmao.
this is already long enough so i'll leave u with my list of 2026 predicitons that we'll see if come true. sometimes i have psychic abilities so who knows!
◎ harambe 2 (idk what this means yet. we'll know it when it happens)
◎ taylor swift fortnite skin
◎ half life 3 finally drops bundled with the steam machine. both of them get delayed though
◎ luigi walks free!!
◎ dan and phil get engaged
◎ mcr5 REAL
◎ wendy williams dies or has something really tragic or unfortunate happen
◎ modern baseball reunion tour
◎ ryan ross does Something. Anything.
my ear and hair :)
12/11/25
hiiiiii this is my first post in here. im not sure what to say i just didnt really want to leave it blank!!
i've been feverishly (literally) reworking my site for a day or two, and figured it was time to add a proper blog page and try to write things on here sometimes. i usually don't feel like i have a lot to say or talk about without prompting, but maybe this will be a good exercise in trying to put my random thoughts into actual words somewhere. i used to kind of do that with a spam insta account in high school, so maybe i cant sorta channel that lol.
working on my site again has been really fun and i really missed doing it for the couple months i was without a pc! redoing my about and adding my photo gallery and stuff reminded me how this site is really therapuetic at least in the sense that i chronically lose all sense of identity (#MyBpd), so its really helpful to lay stuff out and remember i actually am a person and not just a random npc lol. it also kinda helps romanticize myself in a sense, and make me like myself a bit more and seem a bit cooler at least to myself. maybe i come off like an obnoxious edgy tool to everyone else who knows :)
i just finished going through my discord messages and copying over all the dreams ive talked about to start off my dream journal so feel free to read through those in lieu of more blog posts if ur so inclined :) it is just hitting 3 am right now though so im either going to fall asleep or keep fiddling around on here depending on what the monster i had for dinner has planned for me :) goodnight for now ^^
currently...
watching:fallout season 2! and house md
playing:
nubbys number factory
reading:
chainsaw man
listening:
kitty ray
updated: 1/11/26
my dreams...
1/25/26
my high school best friend / guy i was like in love with for several years got shot and i flew back home immediately despite not having spoken to him in like 5 or 6 years. ended up meeting up with some of our old friends, and for some reason the guy that shot him, it ended up being self defense and the guy felt extremely bad about it. the whole conversation was really deep and vivid and detailed, and kind of fucked up. woke up and got really scared it was somehow prophetic but no obituaries so far so it's probably fine
for some reason i had to go stay with my mom (who i dont even talk to), but i had my cat and also my cat that died in 2023 with me. her shitty boyfriend was really rude to me the whole time and eventually starts fucking around with the car to scare me bc it scares the cats and spins out and crashes and then breaks up with my mom for getting mad about it. shes having a breakdown and wont just drive home, so i have to do it despite not knowing how to drive but i just really want the cats to be somewhere stable and not in this fucked up car. we finally get there and its like a weird fucking dungeon crawler mansion and i have to do all this bullshit themed around ds games i used to play as a kid to get up each story and make it to my room. whatever that means. 12/04/25
i cosplayed emily class of 09 for halloween for some reason except my subconscious kept thinking she had blue hair or smth so my wig kept changing colors and i like. in the dream. didnt know wtf was going on and i was having a mental breakdown over it. the wig started normal and then it had like a streak like at the bottom of the bangs that was black and pink and that was rly cute. and then it had raccoon tails and that was fine.and then it was like a dark blue with light blue underneath with the pink part also and iwl. thats not right why is it like this thats not how its supposed to be and i couldnt even remember what character it was bc thats nothing. and i was frantically googling blue hair class of 09 character bc iwl well it probably something i probably just forgot and my partner was like noo ur right thats a real character that exists. and then i woke up and did the same thing and its definitely not a character. now that i think abt it thats the first dream where ive used my phone i think
09/16/25
the other night i dreamt i was at this mall but i dont think it was mallworld it was smaller and different but it was june and they were having like pride events and there was like a lesbian group showing of but im a cheerleader and i tried to go bc i love that movie and everyone was really mean and kicked me out and i was rly confused and was like why cant i watch the movie and they were like well look at you. you dont exactly fit in . and then i woke up and was like ohhh im a cis man that makes sense and then i woke up for real and was like what no im not. which probably means nothing
09/02/25
it was like mallworld but not really it was like if this one server in particular was a mall i think and there was a like coaster ride that went through a bunch of really dead memes like it kinda felt like a sbahj comic except it was also like completely infested with spiders like to the point there would just be piles of them everywhere. thousands and thousands of them. and i asked someone why they dont do smth sbt them and my friend got mad and yelled at me about how important they are
there was another like . activity room thing where it was like a big trampoline on half and then like a ball pit on the other half but it was like literally just one layer of balls not a pit and someone went in after i left and took all the balls out. so when i was like man that ballpit fucking sucked and then went back in there i just looked crazy. and also tbis guy i got in a discord drama in like 3 years ago and then sent goatse to and got accused of that being sexual assault was there
08/19/25
i mailed my friend suvi a rice cooker? there was more context but idr. except also it was halloween or smth and suvi was there. the prophecy.
holeween and we were all there and there was also a haunted doll and we mailed a rice cooker to suvis house despite her being there.
08/18/25
i dreamt that like i was in downtown [hometown] and there was an active shooter just rampaging the whole downtown area (not very big like a couple blocks of two streets basically) and i kept having to corral people back to my dads apartment to safety and then i got knighted on the roof or something
08/17/25
post work nap gave me weird dreams that had to have been pulling from when i went to the kitty ray shroom dimension or something. kitty was there and also fortnite. but it was like it started with kitty had this art installation ? or something? where you walk through this old kinda scary looking falling apart house but in the walls there was like little cubbies and compartment room type things and each one was filled or like lined with different bed sets basically. so like a lot of blankets and pillows and you could get in and chill. and this was on loop the whole time you were inside:
and then i went to her apartment and she made me instant noodles and we watched some bad sitcom like new girl or something. but then also there was a new fortnite map except it was a new thing called fortnite Globe where it actually worked like a globe not like a flat surface. it was like this except there was another one inside
and one half was like . clean and nice and mostly water and you could dive down and swim around and then the other half was like a garbage dump and had gross green water
and the polluted half would like pour through the holes and get in the nice side and you had to stop it or something
07/30/25
woke up at like 6 and i was so ready to have a nice morning to myself to get some things done before work and then fell back asleep like an hour later and dreamt that someone in here gave like everyone in the server mod and everyone gaslit me about it like no weve always had like 30 people with mod role wdym. and then later maybe a seperate dream i was in like a hospital or like a group home type of thing dying my hair in the bathroom and there was this old lady that kept asking me so many questions about my life but my hair turned out rly cool it was like way longer than it is rn and i did it all rainbowy.
and then i woke up at precisely 10:58 am and my shift started at 11
06/29/25
just got off work after my week and was so excited bc i have the new two days off and i can now relax. i got a matcha latte and a strawberry cheesecake croissant and curled up to play roblox and ended up falling asleep all warm and comfy with my cat . this isnt the part of the dream but its important for context i think. immediately dreamt that i was at this like big event w my partner idk what it was exactly like a festival of some sort and i got rly drunk and we got separated and they got rly mad at me for getting lost and just left me there. and some guy started talking to me bc he was “worried” and basically just took me home to force me to sleep w him. woke up w my phone dead (in the dream) in his basement and found a phone charger and plugged it in and was trying to get ahold of my partner because i was really scared and needed to figure out how to get home. and theyd like blocked me and kept unblocking me to reply like once and then reblock me most of the time and i was just trying to figure out how to get home but then i like asked one of our other friends wtf was going on and they were like yeah idk theyre like having a crisis abt being in love with someone else and not you and they dont know if he likes them back. and then i found out the guy i was with working for the same awful company i do and we had to go there right now. and then i woke up sweaty. hell world hell world hell world. i think the guy that like def assaulted me helped me chase down an unrelated ex bc i saw him there and we like threw drinks on him or smth and that was funny at least there was that
06/26/25
i asked my friend abt their cat shrimp and he said he changed her name and refused to tell me what he changed it to and every time i called her shrimp he got mad at me and gaslit me
06/06/25
dreamt i was dating someone that looked like the good doctor except it wasnt him but it was
05/29/25
last night i dreamt i accidentally had to kill my dad in the woods i dont remember what the context was but it was like. i had to sacrifice him to escape something bad. but he died and i didnt know what to do bc there was a body in the woods near my house and it was my fault and also its my fucking dad so like . i panicked and skipped town and it was a really tumultuous decision to abandon my whole life and everyone i knew in order to keep a low profile and go completely awol i couldnt say anything to anyone i just had to disappear. even had to leave my cat behind with my roommate but it was specifically not even the cat i have now it was my first cat who died and that was the most emotional part of leaving. but i knew i had to leave anyways so i did and i hopped freight trains and rode greyhounds and stayed in homeless shelters and just as i felt like i was done running and wasnt being tracked down anymore and reached out to someone i knew before i left i woke up
04/28/25
earlier today i had a dream that was like some house of leaves type shit except it was in a subway ive only been to once and i kept getting lost bc every time id go to the back thered be a new like open storage type area and it just kept getting bigger and then i came home and my roommate kept taking furniture out of the living room and when i asked abt it they kept insisting like we never even had a tv in the first place. just straight gaslighting me. except every time i have a dream where im like at home, i know intrinsically its supposed to be home but its not actually like where i live except this time both this subway and our apartment was so vividly accurate it was weird. also right before i woke up i was sitting on the living room floor w tsuki and playing with her and she suddenly turned and stared down the hallway and growling and getting all weird and i was sitting more towards the tv so i couldnt see down the hall but tsuki definitely saw something so i got up to peek around the corner and i was really scared and then i woke up right as i moved past the wall. not foreboding at all !
also my roommate invited me to a destroy boys/jeff rosenstock/some other band that didnt rly match the vibe show and iwl. insane but ok
destroy boys opening for jeff rly funny when will this be real
it wasnt even the actual furniture it was just everything on the tv wall, u could easily move the tv and the keyboard and ur records if u tried. its the fact u were so insistent like no. nothings ever been against that wall. and iwl u mean to tell me we have a couch set up facing a blank wall. and u were just like. yeah?
04/03/25
dreamt i was in like a bandori core girl band and i wasnt even the fucking pink one. i had a sparkly purple 7? string bass and we played a show in the warped tour parking lot bc they wouldnt book us
02/24/25
accidentally fell asleep on the couch and had an actual fever dream abt getting cancelled for the most insane reason basically it was for liking one brand new song and these ppl from my hometown music scene kidnapped and tortured me and made up a rly complex web of lies to make everyone ik hate me and also stole tsuki and did all this awful shit to me over liking One brand new song. felt like my dreams when i was on lexapro.
01/08/25
my partner and my friend jade and i were all being chased by a killer dbd style but it was this like weird mall with puzzles the only part i rly remember was this like tunnel area that was made of like plush cushions we had to rearrange and burrow in to hide. and then we got out and it was christmas and charlies dream realm mom or smth made us all a nice dinner on fancy dishes we got to keep as a gift except there was pho with it and i just had to eat it anyways bc i didnt wanna be rude and i kept thinking wow this is just like that weezer song where he does that. and then jade went home and me and charlie went to like fucked up dream realm universal or something. it was set up like a theme park kinda thing except it wasnt. but we got like a hibachi style dinner and they projected stuff to watch on the ceiling above you and it was smth crazy but i forgot what it was <\3 and then we walked around and we were at this zoo type part except instead of actual animals they they had a hologram of every animal and bug in alphabetical order swarming you directly. and then i woke up
12/11/24
napped and dreamt that i had tsukis whole family except she had a orange cat brother and her mom was like. an espeon. she was like the lightest purple like white but slightly tinted purple and her belly was brown and she had darker purple eyes but other than that she was like a normal cat not exactly an espeon but she looked like it. she kinda looked like a moth. i wish she was real.
10/18/24
dreamt i was in chainsaw man except we were like running from the feds or smth and also kanye west and my mom were there. died at some point and then just started spectating denjis pov and im choosing to believe thats how it worked out in canon also.
08/03/24
went to middle school with my friend charm specifically but i think most of my friends. there was more going on and it was weirder but like the only thing i specifically remember is being in a middle school lunch with people but charm was there and we were talking abt judaism. the only other thing i remembered from my dream was i lived with my cousin fsr, it was raining and she had a bird in her room and i could see her window from my room somehow and i just saw her like open the window and hold an umbrella out of it so she could lean out and release this bird she caught with. her bare hands apparently. and she let it go and it flew out from under the umbrella and got all wet and just fell to the ground and iwjl . you dumb bitch.
07/21/24
dreamt i started trafficking ket
04/11/24
guys i had a dream we snuck into the most insane concert ever we were like at some event or insane con or smth but part of it was like they had shows all day in a seperate building and we went over for . mitski, ptv, and cheekface . in that order. i didnt even make it to dreamscape cheekface concert bc king for a day got me so excited i woke up sweaty :(
this is my dream journal~i usually dont dream, or dont remember them at the least. and when i do theyre usually kind of fucked up.
i reference mallworld sometimes. mallworld is a weird giant mall dreamscape that a lot of people have had similar dreams about. its worth looking into if this sounds familiar to you!
microblog
other writing
other miscellanious pages of words that i didn't know where else to link
drink recipes!