dear diary~

4/09/26
i got to see the first 2 episodes of twin peaks last night in the historic michigan theater, it was really cool in there. they had an organ player doing almost circusy music for like a half hour before it started for some reason, and the architecture was really beautiful. one of the friends that i went with sat next to scott the woz at the same theater when they showed end of evangelion so i was kind of hoping i could hang out with scott the woz too but alas. no woz. somehow ive never seen twin peaks despite it being the exact kinda thing i could get really obsessed with, and im REALLY excited to keep watching it. im placing my bets on james's family being involved with killing laura palmer and i really wanna know if im right. his uncle gave me a vibe, and the fact his mom has been Out Of Town was mentioned a few too many times for me to think that that's completely irrelevant. also i asked if the killers been introduced yet or if i know them and my friend Refused to give me an answer, so idk if she was just being cryptic or if i was onto something. but i also said i think a skinwalker got her (jokingly) and my other friend said i might be more correct than i realize so i have no idea what the fuck that could possibly mean. i really like whatevers wrong with bobby. and whatevers right with cooper. also while typing that i just realized he's literally d.b. cooper. fuck.

i also started ACTUALLY seriously doing some work for my game also! currently in the writing phase so i at least have an idea of what assets and stuff i need to make for it, but ive narrowed down my concept for it a lot and have a lot more direction now, just need to push myself to actually get it out of my head. probably elaborate some more so its a little less trite and done before, but i generally want it to be sorta a combination of being inspired by end of eva, donnie darko, and jim hensons labyrinth, but also based on native folklore from my home state, as well as very autobiographical about my own stupid brain shit. which i feel like could really easily end up being stupid pretentious masturbatory. because i am stupid and pretentious and masturbatory. but i think my general ideas could be very good if i execute it well. i'd elaborate but if i get my idea stolen before i actualize it im killing myself and everyone in a 10 mile radius. getting a bunch of vyvanse soon so i think if i lock the fuck in i miight be able to have at least something of a demo in a couple months. probably at least by the end of the year. but im bad at actually getting shit done so we'll see i guess!

in other news im being plagued by visions again yayyy. i keep dreaming about this person i dont talk to anymore, and i havent cared to ruminate on it so i didn't write any of them down, or i did but i left them out of it, but i know its been happening like at least twice a week for like a month. either my subconscious is doing something crazy to me or im having my stupid mk ultra future visions again. kinda annoying. maybe other dreams will come true instead and conor oberst will be chilling in my apartment lobby when i get home from work and give me free bright eyes tickets. who knows. i've been thinking about dreams a lot lately in general though. been reading and watching a lot of stuff about mallworld and it still freaks me out any time i see people talking about specific things or places ive been to there. the ones that really get me are the theater, the stadium/arena type stage next to the big escalator and the huge glass windows that look out over the beach, and the lower level hallways that are more like an actual mall, just dim and empty, and the stairwells that go to those floors that almost feel like subway stairs.

the first distinctly mallworld dream i remember and recognized as mallworld i was in the theater, if you scroll down in my dream log it was the one about the mitski and cheekface and whoever concert. a lot of people have said when they dream of being there, its usually showing movies of their whole lives, or of other peoples lives, and it wasnt quite like that for me in that dream, but the layout and the details and everything that people generally agree on were EXACTLY how it was for me. but i think ive definitely had some aspect of that, before i realized quite what it was, sometimes my more prophetic dreams about things, especially other people, i've seen playing out on a screen like that. and sometimes theyve felt too real to ignore and then i always end up being right about what i saw, even though i would've had no reason to know or even think those things are happening. thats pretty vague but its happened a couple times with mostly interpersonal bullshit i dont really wanna air out on here. but tldr ive seen quite a few prophecies there i think.

i have a theory that mallworld is a bit more "real" than most dreams in general. sometimes ill pass someone in the hall that i havent talked to in a while and then they'll hit me up a few days later, or a conversation i have there will happen in a different context later on. and a lot of other dreams are just so random in ways that are very classically dreamlike, but mallworld always feels different. not completely lifelike but just mundane enough, if that makes sense? i love mallworld and i hope i go there again soon.

the last couple months have been fun! i got enough vgen commissions to qualify for verification, so im waiting for that to finish the review process! pretty epic… been trying to get out and do more fun things irl also, i have a really crazy line up of shows im going to this year that im really excited for!!! starting next month i have tickets or plans for at least one show per month until october which is pretty wild. planning on seeing joyce manor (should’ve already seen them but it got postponed..), remember sports, teen suicide, black country new road (maybe probably), mc chris, my chemical romance, and cheekface!!! i need artists i love to stop announcing tours now lmao.

i might also even get to technically see the pom poms, since theyre the same people as teen suicide, and my partner got to meet them and asked if theyd play a pom poms song for me and sam seemed into the idea. kitty also gave them a couple of signed copies of miami garden club for free which was awesome. very excited to get to see them myself very soon !!!

i was Supposed to have seen joyce manor last week but the singer tore his vocal chords so it got postponed.. and this was the second time ive been supposed to see them and something ended up happening and i couldnt. evil and fucked up. it was alright though, my roommate and i went to a science museum and found a nice cafe instead. i tried creme brulee for the first time it was awesome. and i’ll still get to see them, just in like a month from now instead. gives me a chance to actually listen to their new album and check out the openers because i kept listening to other stuff instead lol.

i also finally checked out a museum full of human bones and old mortuary equipment a while ago. its near my apartment so ive been meaning to go there for like 3 years and never really remembered it, but i finally got around to it and it was really cool!! wasn’t very big but it was neat to walk around and check out human skulls and autopsy equipment lol. they also had a little oddities/gift shop, and i got a ring made with (allegedly) a real human bone in place of a gem. it seemed like they usually have some wet specimens but happened to not have any in at the time, so i wanna go back sometime and see if they have any.

half life 2 vr but the ai is sentient finally came out!!!! the stream was very good !!! ive been waiting SO long for it and they did not disappoint, im super excited for the edited version and for future streams. i NEED to know what the fuck alyx’s (alex’s?) deal is immediately. chainsaw man ended also. out of nowhere. it feels surreal after having been reading it for so many years and being so attached to it but im VERY happy with the ending. a lot of people absolutely hated it and i get it to an extent, but also i think people just like to be haters. i genuinely dont think it couldve had a better ending, especially with where part 2 was going in general PLUS. (SPOILERS COMING) i finally got power back!!!!! look at my collections page rn. trust that i havent changed the power section since like…. last year? or early this year? i dont remember. but i did NOT add that in after the fact. fujimoto did that shit for ME i swear !!!!

it was also my birthday about a month ago!! i havent updated most of my shit but im 25 now :) officially closer to 30 than 20. bleh. awful bad. its whatever i had a fun day and went bowling and then played mf humongous games with my friends. putt putt saves the zoo bitch.

i think thats about all i have to say about the last couple months… mostly just working and playing minecraft. two of my predictions from my last post kinda came true? mcr5 got leaked, and bren lukens is playing music again... (with jeff rosenstock too?? still pissed i couldnt get tix for that one). anyways check these pics out kthxbye

im finally managing my hair back into something that makes me feel more like myself, after impulsively chopping it real short and dying it black for like the 5th time. one of my new years resolutions is to NOT do that again. the black isnt too hard to get out, since i use cheap box dye and color oops works surprisingly well to get it out. i hit it with that about two months ago and just left it, so it was a dark reddish brown color for a while. i finally got around to bleaching the FUCK out of it and doing my best to color correct so its Almost perfectly blonde again (theres some reddish tint if you compare most of it to my roots where it lifted the best, but its not that bad). when i had it short i also gave myself and undercut and shaved the back and sides so ive been trying to get that to grow out enough to where i can cut it evenly all the way around, and i trimmed it and its just about there but i dont want to go too short. the weird layer of very slightly shorter hair looks a bit more intentional now though bc i also did a bright hot pink underneath halo and i love how it looks!! you can mostly see the pink popping out from the sides and under my bangs and not too much in the back since that parts shorter and i like how it looks a lot!

my other plan to make myself feel more like myself was to finally stop being a pansy and give myself piercings! i got some needles from amazon (dont do that) and managed to give myself double lobe piercings (on the gay side!) yesterday and they turned out so well im obsessed. i probably shouldnt have done both at once since the first one didnt bleed at all until i put the clamp back on and the both of them started bleeding a lot.... but so far theyre both fine and dont hurt at all and seem to be healing well! i planned to also redo my septum since the piercer that did it fucked it up the first time and then i had it taken out in jail (long story, i didnt do shit tho) and ive been missing it so much. i ended up not actually being able to do it, i dont think i have much of the "sweet spot" youre supposed to do it in, if at all, and thats also probably why it was in cartilidge the first time i got it done. i can feel where would be a good spot with my fingers, but i have to sort of pull down the bottom of my septum and seperate it from the harder cartilidge above it, but i cant really do that with the clamps and i cant hold it and get the needle in there, and i also dont have the willpower to pierce myself through cartilidge unfortunately. i'll probably try again at some point, maybe with different thinner clamps that might be easier to position or it might just be something i have to get someone else to do but i miss my septum badly. my other plans are snakebites and my bridge, but i need longer and better jewelry for both.

for the rest of the year im planning to do more stuff ive been thinking about for years and havent gotten around to ! im planning to invest my tax return in starting my own little press on nail business, or at least see if im any good at it and make my own nail sets! i know everything takes practice but my hubris tells me id be really good at it :) if it goes well, me and my roommate are talking about getting a booth at the local farmers market to sell some handmade home goods stuff, and i was thinking about doing those if they turn out well, and i also want to start making linocuts of some of my american tradition tattoo designs, and maybe make some local specific ones! and then do them as prints or tote bags or shirts or something. i think both are gonna be really fun even if they dont turn out well enough right away to make money on lol. in the spirit of making new stuff, my other resolution is to make at least a shitty demo of the video game i want to make!! ive already been playing around in rpgmaker last year a bit, and figuring out how to make assets to make things look like how i want, which usually isnt the first thing you'd start with for a game i know, but i think it was a good starting place for me to at least get familar with the software. i definitely want to stop putting off getting any further though, and have made Anything playable, even if its just a short little exposition area. im not expecting to have made a whole lot while balancing my "full time" job and doing the other stuff i want, especially considering im abusing rpgmaker into making it make a completely different style of game than its intended for. im not a fan of the top down rpg look, so ive been playing with parallax backgrounds and making everything completely side on and 2d sorta. its definitely doable but its also def another layer to figure out while already going in with no experience lmao.

this is already long enough so i'll leave u with my list of 2026 predicitons that we'll see if come true. sometimes i have psychic abilities so who knows!

my ear and hair :)

12/11/25
hiiiiii this is my first post in here. im not sure what to say i just didnt really want to leave it blank!!

i've been feverishly (literally) reworking my site for a day or two, and figured it was time to add a proper blog page and try to write things on here sometimes. i usually don't feel like i have a lot to say or talk about without prompting, but maybe this will be a good exercise in trying to put my random thoughts into actual words somewhere. i used to kind of do that with a spam insta account in high school, so maybe i cant sorta channel that lol.

working on my site again has been really fun and i really missed doing it for the couple months i was without a pc! redoing my about and adding my photo gallery and stuff reminded me how this site is really therapuetic at least in the sense that i chronically lose all sense of identity (#MyBpd), so its really helpful to lay stuff out and remember i actually am a person and not just a random npc lol. it also kinda helps romanticize myself in a sense, and make me like myself a bit more and seem a bit cooler at least to myself. maybe i come off like an obnoxious edgy tool to everyone else who knows :)

i just finished going through my discord messages and copying over all the dreams ive talked about to start off my dream journal so feel free to read through those in lieu of more blog posts if ur so inclined :) it is just hitting 3 am right now though so im either going to fall asleep or keep fiddling around on here depending on what the monster i had for dinner has planned for me :) goodnight for now ^^